


Loki and the Nutcracker

by needleyecandy



Category: Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, The Author Regrets Nothing, extreme silliness, shameless Wodehouse ripoff, the nine realms seem a lot like 1920's England
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:30:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needleyecandy/pseuds/needleyecandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor has just purchased a hideous new cape, and Loki, his valet, hates it. Meanwhile, Laufey has sniped Thor’s Uncle Odr at an auction for a figurine. When Aunt Freya insists that Thor go to Jotunheim and steal it back, he winds up in more trouble than he can handle. Loki is willing to help him, but his aid will come at a price.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loki and the Nutcracker

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I got drunk.  
> 2) I got insomnia.  
> 3) I got an idea.
> 
> This story is based *very* heavily in the works of P. G. Wodehouse, and has some lines taken verbatim from him. I wish I could cite things more specifically, but I’ve read some of his books 4-5 times, and I can practically recite along with the ITV series with Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, so it’ll all a big jumble in my head at this point. It's safe to assume that all the best parts of this should be credited to him, rather than me.
> 
> This was written while drunk and minimally edited. It may be best read while drunk, too, I don't know. But anyway, I entertained myself.
> 
> Also, I have no idea if Precious Moments are an international thing? they look like [this.](https://www.google.com/search?q=precious+moments&client=opera&hs=kDV&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=YHBIVPLNEoObigKs14CgBQ&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=660#tbm=isch&q=precious%20moments%20figurines&revid=1532826762&imgdii=_)

“Sir?” A quiet voice interrupted Thor’s dreams. He pulled a pillow over his head and waved dismissively at the door. “Sir, your Aunt Freya is here to call upon you.”

Thor sat up then. “What time is it, Loki?” he asked irritably.

“It is just past eleven-fifteen, sir.”

Eleven-fifteen! Some people simply had no sense of decency, calling at all hours. His Aunt Freya could not be ignored, however, and he grudgingly rose from his bed. Loki was standing, frozen, in front of the dark wooden wardrobe, staring fixedly at Thor’s newest cape. It was red with blue and orange paisley patterns, and long black fringe hung from the edges.

“Ah, my cape! It was delivered from the tailor’s yesterday afternoon, while you were off. What do you think?”

Loki stared at it, mouth opening and closing silently.

“Can’t blame you,” Thor chuckled. “It certainly is breathtaking. - Had an enjoyable day off, did you?”

Loki pulled himself together. “Very enjoyable, sir, thank you. I spent it with a most illuminating text on seidr-work in eighth-century provincial Muspelheim.”

Thor shuddered. “Better you than me,” he said. “But really now, tell me, isn’t that cape simply the most marvelous thing you’ve ever seen?”

“I do marvel at it, indeed, sir,” Loki said, the tiniest edge of stiffness in his voice.

“Oh, come now, Loki! They say this pattern is all the rage at the Alfheim court right now, and for once, I intend to be at the foremost of the fashion.”

“Very good, sir,” Loki answered.

“In fact, I think I’ll wear it today. Set it out with my other things while I wash up, would you?”

“Very good, sir.”

*****

Thor bounded into his receiving room to find that Loki had his aunt well-supplied with tea and cakes.

“Ah, Aunt Freya!” he said, bending down to kiss her cheek.

She fixed her eyes on the cloth billowing from his shoulders. “Thor, what is that _thing_  you are wearing?” she demanded.

“It’s my new cape. All the rage on Alfheim-”

She cut him off. “Oh, well, if they’re wearing it in _Alfheim_ , of course you must follow the trend,” she said acidly.

“Aunt,” he said reproachfully. “I think I look quite dashing.”

She snorted. “Thor, I have a job for you.”

“Oh, Aunt Freya! Come now, you know how I feel about useful employment.”

“But you will enjoy this one!” she said, fixing her eyes upon him. “I need you to get yourself invited to Laufey’s for the weekend.”

“Dash it all, Aunt, Laufey is the most frightful bore-”

“Thor! Your Uncle Odr is in the most frightful temper ever since Laufey beat him at an auction for the 2011 Precious Moments Nutcracker figurine. He had been suppressing an uprising on Svartalfheim and wasn’t able to travel to Midgard to pick one up before they were sold out. He’s been pining for it ever since, and Laufey managed to win the auction in a most underhanded fashion.”

“How did he-”

“It was most,” she said, fixing him with a stern look, “underhanded.”

“All right, but what do you want me to do about it?”

“That’s quite simple. Get yourself invited there - you were at school with his elder boy, Helblindi, were you not? - and steal it. Just a nice, pleasant little job.”

*****

“Well, Loki, I suppose you heard all of that?” Thor asked.

“I believe I ascertained the quintessence of the matter while I was polishing the silver,” Loki said.

Thor sighed. “Take down a message for me, would you?” Loki collected pen and paper and nodded. " _Dear Helblindi, it has been far too long since we have last met. There is a ball being held in Gladsheim next month for my cousin’s engagement party, and I would be delighted if you could attend. Best wishes, Thor_. There, have that sent at once.”

Loki cleared his throat. “I beg your pardon, sir, but your aunt _did_  specify that you were to go to Laufey’s?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Helblindi is terrified of talking to women. He gets all tongue-tied and ends up blathering on about the mating habits of bilgesnipes. There’s no danger of him attending a ball. But I expect to receive an invitation to Jotunheim when he declines this one.”

Loki raised an eyebrow but took the note to a messenger, who soon returned with precisely the invitation Thor had expected, along something entirely _un_ expected.

“Well, well, well!” Thor beamed at Loki. “It seems old Helblindi has managed to speak to a woman long enough to get her to agree to hitch up the old feedbag with him.”

“Sir?”

“He’s engaged! And even better, it’s to Angrboda. They’re having their engagement party this weekend and I’m invited. There’s something to celebrate. The sooner she’s off the market, the better, as far as I’m concerned. Get our things packed up, won’t you, Loki? We’ll leave for Laufey’s court tomorrow.”

“Very good, sir.”

“Oh, and make sure my new cape is included. I want to make a dazzling entrance. Those jotun girls won’t know what hit them,” he grinned.

“I dare say you are correct in that, sir.”

*****

The Bifrost set them down outside Islottet, where they were met by the butler, Gaeda.

“Everyone is changing for dinner, sir. I’ve put you in the blue room, I believe Mr. Loki will remember the way?” At Loki’s nod, Gaeda gestured to a footman to follow them with their luggage, and the three went up to Thor’s room while Gaeda returned to the dining room to see to the seating order. 

Thor stretched out on the bed while Loki busied himself unpacking clothes for him to wear to dinner. He was nearly dressed when he looked at the socks set out for him.

“I say, Loki,” he said,” you’ve put out my summer socks. I’ll need something warmer or my feet will simply freeze.”

“Oh dear, sir,” said Loki politely. “I’m afraid that I inadvertently neglected to include any cold-weather footwear in the luggage. I do beg your pardon. Perhaps your new cape will suffice to keep you insulated.”

While Thor was searching for a suitable retort, the dinner gong rang, and he hastily finished dressing. When he was halfway out the door, he turned back a moment. “I call this very substandard, Loki,” he said. And he meant it to sting.

*****

The company at dinner was a bit of a mixed bag. In addition to Laufey, Farbauti, and Helblindi, Angrboda had already arrived, looking even more like a drill sergeant than ever, and Thrym completed the party. Thrym was the commander general of Laufey’s armies, and Laufey thought very highly of him. Thor thought he looked like someone who ate lead shot for breakfast.

The meal passed in relative pleasantness, Farbauti skillfully steering the conversation into neutral waters. When she and Angrboda withdrew after dessert, Laufey took them to his treasure room for cigars.

“I want you to see my newest figurine, too,” he said. “This one is a real prize.”

This was proving to be easier than Thor had expected, not only to be led to the room where the piece was kept, but to have the exact one pointed out to him. Laufey reverently removed the ghastly thing from a shelf and held it out before them, pointing out the carefully painted details that were, as he said, “what make it so darling.”

As everyone smoked and nodded agreeably, Thor heard a voice muttering in his ear. “I know your uncle wants that for himself, Odinson. If that figurine disappears, I will beat you to a pulp.” 

Thor turned to see Thrym glaring down at him. “I _did_ bring my hammer,” he said reproachfully.

Thrym’s eyes narrowed. “All right then,” he said. “ _I’ll tell your father_.”

Thor paled. Trapped between Aunt Freya and Odin was a place that he had always carefully avoided, and he could not see any way out. And when he got back to his room and unburdened himself to Loki, he found his valet to be uncharacteristically unhelpful.

*****

The next morning passed enjoyably enough. The family and Angrboda were busy with final preparations for the party, so Thor kept himself entertained practicing billiards. By lunchtime several of his friends had arrived, and they had several games of Hangman’s Cribbage after they had eaten. Thor lost fourteen guilder, but it was all in the name of fun.

The party started at seven. Everyone was dressed to the nines, and Thor was glad to see the stares he was receiving from the girls who were in attendance, and the way they pointed at him and whispered into each others’ ears. Loki might be an excellent valet in many ways, Thor thought, but about fashion, he knew nothing.

Finally there was the ringing of a spoon against a glass, and everyone quieted as Helblindi stood upon a chair to address the room, a glass of his favorite seaweed juice still in his hand.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am so glad you could all come to the party today,” he began. “Yes, indeedy. I am tickled punk... er, pink." He hiccuped. "I could not be happier to celebrate my engagement to this wondergul firl, ladies and whatsits." 

The guests began to look at each other anxiously.

"I am without a doubt, the happiest man alive, my dear, um... thingies." He began to sway ominously back and forth on the chair as he continued. "In just three months time, I am to wed the beautiful, beautiful, um..."

At this, Angrboda leap up. "Helblindi, I can't believe you! You told me, you swore to me, that you never touched a drop of anything stronger than seaweed juice, and now look at you! The wedding is off," she cried, throwing her ring at his head with considerable aim and velocity. "Instead, I will marry Thor," she said as she turned to look at him.

Thor goggled wordlessly. Of course, as a gentleman, he could hardly argue. When a girl says she'll marry you, that's that.

"My dear boy," she said. "Look at you, you're overcome with joy. Yes, I know how long you have pined for me, but were too sweet and shy to say anything. And now you haven't got to, because the look on your face says everything. Yes, Thor, I _will_  marry you!"

All eyes in the room turned to Thor, holding up their drinks in toasts to him. He stood still, struck dumb. Fortunately, Helblindi chose that moment to pass out and crash to the floor, and Thor snuck out of the room in the ensuing chaos.

"Loki," he said, barreling into his room, "you've got to get me out of this. You won't believe what just happened."

"Helblindi was drunk, and Angrboda said she'd marry you instead?"

"Why, yes. But..."

"I was in the kitchen this afternoon when Thrym snuck in and poured an entire bottle of spirits into Helblindi's juice pitcher. The servants' gossip here is that he is in love with Angrboda, and wanted to make her call it off with Helblindi. No doubt he did not anticipate that she would turn her affections to you so immediately."

"So now he's got two reasons to hate me,  _plus_  I'm stuck in an engagement to Angrboda."

"So it seems, sir. Is there anything else you require of me?"

"I don't suppose you see any way out of this mess, do you? That marvelous brain of yours?"

"Oh dear, sir. That's hardly my place. Good night, sir."

*****

Laying in bed, Loki's mind spun rapidly. He knew very well that when a new wife came in the front door, the bachelorhood-valet went out the back door, and this was a good job. Thor was agreeable, and usually malleable... Loki just had to make sure Thor was suitably desperate first.

The next morning, he asked Thor for leave to return to Asgard, just for the day. There was something he wanted to look up.

Thor spent the day nervously avoiding Angrboda. He wasn't trying to avoid Helblindi, though in retrospect he should have, he realized, as the jotun loomed over him tearfully. "I don't blame you, of course, Thor," he wept. "But I just wish I knew how to get her back. I don't know what happened to me, seaweed juice has never done that to me before."

Thor patted Helblindi on the back. "Of course, if I can think of anything, I'm glad to help," he said.

"You'd give her up, just like that? For me? Oh, Thor!" Helblindi's tears were raining down on Thor rather heavily now, and his nose was beginning to twitch ominously.

"Yes, well, the old school tie and all that," Thor said nervously.

*****

Loki spent his day at his club for valets, looking through the record book of stories about potential employers. The section on Thrym was long and detailed, but it wasn't until nearly the end that Loki found something that would do. He closed the book with a smile, and returned to the Bifrost.

Loki got to Islottet just as the guests were making their way down the stairs to dinner. He quickly got into step with Thor and briefly drew him aside. "If Thrym says anything more to you, just tell him you know all about the teeth."

"The teeth?" Thor looked at him quizzically.

"The teeth, yes. Now hurry, you're holding up the soup."  
*****  
The gentlemen were in the billiard room when Thrym quietly drew Thor aside to threaten him. "Now you've stolen the woman I love, Odinson," he hissed. "I don't care about the hammer, you can't carry it with you the whole time you're here without making a sc-"

Thor cut him off. "Oh stuff it, Thyrm," he said, more confidently than he felt. "I know all about the teeth."

It certainly worked, though. Thrym's whole demeanor changed instantly. "You know about the teeth?" he whispered.

"All about them," Thor said cheerfully. “So I think it's time you backed off and started speaking to me more respectfully. I _am_  the crown prince of Asgard, you know."

"Yes, yes, of course, sir. -Your highness. Of course, your highness."

"That's more like it, Thrym. The proper feudal spirit, and all that."

*****

"Well, you've gotten Thrym off my back, Loki," Thor said as he pulled on his favorite pyjamas. "I'm still engaged to Angrboda, though."

"Yes, sir. I believe I may have a solution to that dilemma, as well."

"I'm all ears, Loki. I knew you and your magnificent brain would come up with something."

"Might I suggest that you take Helblindi with you to the treasure room, and after you have successfully removed yourself with the figurine, have Helblindi fall into the Precious Moments cabinet? Surely the absence of the nutcracker would go unnoticed amidst so much broken china. Now that Thrym is not a threat, you should be safe enough."

"Ah, Loki. That would be a good plan," said Thor, "but you're neglecting one very important detail. Why in the world should Helblindi help me to steal a figurine from his father?"

"Because," Loki explained patiently, "in return, you'll get Angrboda to agree to marry him."

"I am?" Thor stared.

"You are. I would suggest that you do it tonight, as we are expected back in Asgard tomorrow afternoon. Helblindi's room is in the family wing, the fourth door on the right."

*****

With some trepidation, Thor snuck into the family's section of the palace and scratched on Helblindi's door. It swung open to reveal the massive jotun in his pyjamas, a hot pink eye mask shoved up over his forehead. Thor squeezed past him into the room and closed the door quietly. He explained the plan. Helblindi looked interested but unconvinced.

"How do I know you can get her to come back to me?" he demanded.

"I have my ways," Thor explained, hoping desperately that it would be a sufficient answer.

"Well, I guess I have nothing else to lose," Helblindi said. He tossed his eye mask to his bed and nodded to Thor to lead the way downstairs to the treasure room.

Thor took hold of the little nutcracker and stowed it safely in his pocket, wrapped in the thick cloth Loki had given him for the purpose. "All right, give me three minutes to get back to my room, and then crash into the cupboard," he said.

"Remind me how I'm to explain this?"

"I would go with sleepwalking, if I were you. Just walk into it, fall over, and pretend to be asleep until someone shakes you."

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this," Helblindi muttered. "All right, go on."

Thor was just getting back to his room when he heard the crash. He had hoped to ask Loki how the rest of the plan was to go, but he had retired for the night. Thor quickly hid the figurine in his luggage and joined the rest of the party running downstairs to investigate the crash.

They found Helblindi amidst a huge pile of broken china. Laufey shrieked in horror, while Farbauti knelt and shook her son by the shoulder. "Son, wake up!" she shouted.

Helblindi slowly opened his eyes and looked around him, feigning confusion. "Where am I?" he asked.

"My china room. You destroyed my collection!" yelled Laufey.

"Now, now, dear," Farbauti hushed him, "he was obviously sleepwalking. You can't blame him for that."

Laufey grumbled but said nothing, and the guests slowly trickled back to their rooms.

*****

"All right, Loki," Thor said the next morning, "I mean it this time. I must know how I am to get out of this marriage."

"It's quite simple," said Loki. "You must simply get Thrym to tell Angrboda that he was the one to put the spirits in Helblindi's drink. She'll forgive him instantly."

"You think even this thing with the teeth is enough to make Thrym admit that? To drugging the crown prince of Jotunheim?" Thor asked doubtfully.

"Hmm. Perhaps not," Loki said thoughtfully. "You’ll have to tell Thrym to say that he did it to give Helblindi some courage, because he knew how hard public speaking is for him, and he simply wanted to help. It will allow him to save face, while accomplishing our goals."  
*****  
Thor managed to catch Thrym's arm as they left the breakfast room, and quickly told him everything Loki had said. "Or else I'll let it out about the teeth," he threatened.

"Oh, oh, yes, of course, Odinson! Just a friendly little attempt to help Helblindi, of course! Angrboda will know I meant no harm."

"That's right," Thor smiled at him. "Why don't you do it now? There she goes," he pointed.

Thrym scurried off after her.

An hour later, Helblindi found Thor wandering through the ice garden.

"I don't know what you did, Thor, but the engagement is back on!" he shouted. "I'm so grateful. I'm as happy as a bilgesnipe wallowing in entrails. And it was so kind and gracious of you, to give her up like that. You are a true friend, Thor. When we are on our thrones, you can count on Jotunheim as the strongest ally Asgard could ever want." 

"I am glad to hear it," Thor answered. Few things he had ever said were truer. "It is indeed painful to me, but I do try to put my friends first."

*****

Back on Asgard, Thor turned to Loki as they walked away from the Bifrost. "Now will you tell me about the teeth?" he asked.

“Of course, sir, but it is a matter of the utmost discretion.” At Thor’s nod, he continued. "It seems that in 1342, Thrym tried out for the shot-put team for the pan-realmic games. He made it to the finals, but then he bungled his last throw so badly he knocked out all his teeth. He's had dentures ever since. He tries to keep it a strict secret, but a disgruntled former valet left everything in the ledger of my club." 

"I say," Thor said. "That _is_  clever of you."

"Thank you, sir," said Loki.

They walked back to Thor's chambers in silence. As Loki was unpacking the luggage and shaking out the wrinkles, Thor spoke again.

"Oh, Loki?"

"Sir?"

"Get rid of that cape, will you?"

Loki smiled. "Very good, sir."


End file.
